Bend from the Knees
by elle0753510
Summary: Exploration of Rollins and Carisi's developing relationship. I started this before the end of last season (17), so Dodds is still around, bless him. More chapters coming, but it will probably take me a little while! I'm completely new to this and really appreciate reviews! #rollisi
1. Chapter 1

Amanda found herself standing petrified in a storm of ambivalence as she relived that first night, four months ago, that Carisi ate dinner at her apartment. She had asked him to come over while they were at the courthouse for Caskey's lawyers' arraignment. Carisi had just looked so deflated; his usual gangly, over-energized way of moving his body replaced by slumped shoulders and a directionless frustration. Her motives were, of course, strictly friendly. She was simply trying to help her colleague work through the swamp of emotional ups and downs — mostly downs—that is working in the SVU. In the intervening months however, she found it harder and harder to believe the 'strictly friendly' story was completely accurate.

Now here she was looking at the same picture that had occurred that first night: a well-fed Jesse and Carisi asleep on her couch. Carisi was slouching with one arm across the back of the couch and the other arm cradling Amanda's six-month-old daughter to his chest. His head was flung back, his mouth open. Both he and the baby were drooling in their sleep. Amanda smirked at Carisi's ability to bring a bit of uncouthness to every moment. Other than that, she stood perfectly still, her phone in her hand, waging an internal battle.

Four months ago she had walked out of her little kitchen, a dishtowel in hand, to find the same scene. She had wished ever since that she had taken a picture of that moment. It would have been an innocuous enough thing. Every family has a picture of someone asleep holding a slumbering baby. It seemed like a staple of a hallmark childhood. But Amanda had not had anything like a picture perfect childhood and a large part of her knew that her daughter would not have that kind of childhood either, raised by a single mother who battled monsters during the day and her own demons at night. And the man holding Jesse now was not family, not in the traditional sense. The _normal_ sense, Amanda thought. He was her work colleague. _A work colleague, Amanda._ The rational part of her mind was stomping its foot – _Stop. This. Nonsense!_ But Amanda's mind wasn't really in charge right now.

She snapped the picture.

"Carisi." Nothing. "Cariiisssiii," Amanda whispered a little more violently. She had to get this man off her couch before she lost her resolve. She had taken a picture of a sleeping detective with her baby and it made her feel like she was trying to play some demented game of house. It was just a moment of fantasy but it made her feel slightly unhinged.

She shook his shoulder a little bit, but it hardly moved his big frame _He sleeps like the fucking dead_ , she thought. She really didn't want to have to get Jesse back to sleep if she woke both of them. She tried to maneuver her hands to pick up Jesse but he instinctively tightened his hold. "Dominick." He replied with a short snore. _Are you for fucking real?_ Amanda rolled her eyes and made the concession: "Sonny," she hissed. He stirred a little bit. _Geez._ "Son-ny," she hammered each syllable with whispered impatience. His eyelids fluttered, once, twice, and opened lazily. He sat up a bit.

"Shh shh, don't wake Jessie."

Sonny Carisi sat up looking a little confused and relinquished Jessie to her mother. He clumsily rubbed his face with his hands. His contacts felt glued to his eyeballs. He sat on the edge of the couch for a moment, before sighing and standing up. Even in his sleepiness he moved a bit like a puppy, like he still wasn't used to how big his body was.

"Okay, I'll see ya in the mornin'."

Amanda had stopped packing up leftovers from the food he cooked for him to take home. He never took it – just made some crack about her being the one who couldn't feed herself. So tonight she had just packed the meatballs and white wine sauce up and was looking forward to eating leftovers tomorrow.

He picked up his coat from the chair he'd dropped it in hours ago, and bent over to kiss the still slumbering Jessie on top of her peach-fuzzed head. He stayed stooped to peck Amanda chastely on the cheek, then let himself out of the apartment.

Amanda found herself stuck to the floor yet again, just as she had been that first night. What just happened? What is this thing that keeps happening?

"What _are_ we doing, Jesse?" Amanda sighed.


	2. Chapter 2

Fin leaned back in his chair and got the room's attention. It was remarkable the range of motion he could achieve without ever getting off his ass.

"Hope everyone is feeling like falling on their swords today because I just got one hella case."

Carisi swiveled his chair, immediately and raptly intent on whatever potential mystery might unfold. Dodds looked up with skepticism already pushing his eyebrows low over his eyes. Rollins didn't look away from the tea she was nursing.

"Mount Sinai just called about a nineteen year old female who was brought in by her parents after an apparent OD. Friend dropped her off at her home after she wouldn't wake up at a party. Rape kit shows semen in and around her mouth but she doesn't remember going down on anyone."

"So? She partied a little too hard. Doesn't want to admit any more to her parents than she has to." Dodds returned his gaze to the paperwork in front of him. Didn't seem like they were going to need Agatha Christie for this one.

"Maybe," replied Finn. "But the girl claims it must have been against her will, and that's our bat signal." He was a little surprised to see Dodds so quick to dismiss a potential victim, after all the ground he'd gained since arriving at SVU last year. Something had been off with him lately and none of the squad could put their finger on it.

"Hold on, hold on. You're telling me someone picked up this girl –all passed out—and instead of letting her sleep it off or," he cocked his head as if he was about to tell everyone the right answer "or take her to the hospital, they take her to her parents? Am I wrong or is that kind of a weird play for drunk teens?" Carisi was waving both hands out in front of him like that was they only way his words could be heard.

"Ballsy move" Amanda admitted.

"Yeah, lets find out just how ballsy," Dodds quipped, seemingly unintentionally. "Finn, Rollins – go talk to the girl. I'll loop in the lieutenant, then you and me'll go talk to the parents, Carisi."


	3. Chapter 3

"That was Finn. Apparently the parents took the girl home already. AMA." Carisi shoved his phone back in his pocket. They were sitting in an unmarked car outside of the victim's home.

"AMA means against medical advice—"

"I know what AMA means, Carisi." Dodds looked out the window toward the swanky brownstone. "Let's go see what happened."

After ringing the doorbell repeatedly and pounding on the door for several minutes, they were about ready to leave. Then Dodds noticed a curtain peak to the side. Slowly, timidly, a petite middle-aged woman opened the door. "Yes?"

Her voice was tremulous, and she was literally clutching her pearls. Carisi gave an uncomfortable and concerned look to Dodds. "Uh, ma'am, we're looking for, uh, Marissa?"

"I'm her mother. What do you want?"

"We're detectives with the Manhatten Special Victims Unit. We were hoping to talk with her about what happened last night."

"She can't talk. I'm sorry." She started to shut the door when Dodds caught it.

Dodds tried: "Ma'am, your daughter was assaulted. We would like to talk to her."

"We can't. It's…I'm sorry."

And the door shut in their face.

* * *

Back at the precinct, the squad reassessed the situation.

"And she said nothing else besides 'we can't'?" Asked Liv, though she already knew the answer.

Carisi threw up his hands. Dodds, shaking his head, said, "She was nervous. She seemed scared. What do we know about this family?"

"There's not much to know," chimed in Rollins. "Dad's an attorney at a big league law firm. Mom seems to spend her time fundraising for charities. And Marissa, the victim, is pretty average teen girl, if a very rich one. She's lived in Manhattan her whole life. She wants to be a veterinarian. Social media profile is pretty tame. She goes to Winchester."

Winchester was a very prestigious preparatory school. Families endured an exorbitant price tag to be able to say exactly what Amanda just said: _she goes to Winchester._

"Was this a Winchester party she was at?" Finn asked Amanda.

"Yeah."

"So our next step should be looking at who was there."

Liv looked over her reading glasses. "Well, go on then."

* * *

Rollins and Carisi were headed back from Winchester. They had managed to get a pretty exhaustive list of students who had been at the party.

"Why do we keep winding up at prep schools." It was less of a question and more of a statement, filling the air in the sedan that, like all the NYPD's cars, smelled vaguely of coffee and musk.

Amanda stared out the window, bored, while she made the remark. Then she whipped her head back to Carisi, whom she had let drive today. A rarity. She had the glint in her eye that came when she thought of something interesting to talk about. Carisi recognized it.

"What do you think is going on with Dodds, anyway?"

Carisi smirked and shook his head. Amanda loved her vices, and gossip was one of them. "I dunno, Rollins. 'S probably nothin'"

"Hmm."


	4. Chapter 4

The next day Amanda had a day off. After a day filled with a week's worth of errands and laundry, Amanda was bored and hungry. Jesse was content, bathed, fed and playing sleepily with her mobile. Another night of just the two of them. Amanda's heart was completely filled by Jessie, yet there remained a longing for some adult companionship other than what the television could offer.

"Just do it," she told herself. _What's the worse that could happen – he could say no._ He's been over so many times, seemingly oblivious to any non-platonic feelings she _might_ have. This both frustrated Amanda and made her feel safe. She was terrified of acting the fool; terrified of her growing feelings for Carisi being exposed; terrified of finding reciprocation withheld.

The phone rang four times – he usually picked up the first time.

"Hello?"

"Hey Carisi, it's Amanda."

"Heeey 'manda." She heard him sort of cover the mouthpiece but clearly fail to do so completely. "It's my partner, Amanda" she heard him announce. Then a chorus of "Amanda!" This Greek chorus was clearly drunk.

"Um, are you out, Carisi?"

"Uh, yeah, yeah. Some friends from home." She heard it now. His accent was stronger and he sounded just a little less sharp.

"Are you drunk?"

"What? No." Someone shrieked with glee in the background. "Well, ya know, a lil' tipsy."

And then there was a woman's voice. "Heeeey Ahhmaandaa. This is Kerri. Sonny told us alllll about you, girl. Whyndonyacomeovah?"

"Okay, Kerri give that back –" she heard Carisi snap. "Sorry 'bout that, Rollins. Um, yeah, anyways…what were you callin' about?"

"Soonneeee, come heeere," Kerri's voice still sounded like she was still right next to the phone. Amanda had an image of a beautiful young party girl hanging on Carisi's strong shoulders.

"Oh, its nothing. It can wait until tomorrow. Have fun."

"Okay- I'll talk—"

Amanda hung up before Carisi finished. Okay, _that_ was the worst that could happen. Amanda's months-long fantasy had just been exposed for what it was – fantasy. _What was I thinking?_ She tried to remember the last time she had put on a party dress or stayed out past 8pm for anything other than work. Everyday her breasts ached from nursing, her feet ached from work and from their new, seemingly permanent flattening and widening s since her pregnancy. She was exhausted all the time, with puffy eyes, and she was usually grumpy. She didn't have anything remotely sexy that even fit anymore and if she did try to squeeze into something she's pretty sure she'd leak milk everywhere. And there it was – the realization— _I'm a single mom, alone, with a crush on a guy that's hot, single, brilliant and popular_. Amanda felt a stab of loneliness and self loathing, a mixture of emotion that was somewhere between the feeling of being left out at a middle school dance and the aching of a grown woman to be cherished and appreciated for her ability to bring life into the world, her ability to love, her ability to survive.

If Amanda Rollins were someone who cried, she might have in that moment. Instead she dutifully tucked her darling daughter into bed and then watched cheap reality t.v. until she fell asleep on the couch.


	5. Chapter 5

Sonny had skipped the step between buzzed and sloshed. He felt warm and delightfully dull. This evening, he had welcomed the slowing of his mind – a mind so often whirring with worries about passing the bar, the various dramas of his family, and the ever present heartbreak of his work – he felt almost relaxed and able to bum around with his old Island buddies. But as soon as he hung up with Amanda, the relaxation rotated to an edge, and he felt a nagging embarrassment foisting itself into his consciousness: _She probably thinks I'm an irresponsible bro. What if she needed something? What if she won't trust me with Jessie now? Why did Kerri have to be so obnoxious? Did Amanda think I was obnoxious?_ He knew that there was a point in time when Amanda _did_ think he was obnoxious. A doltish, out-of-his-league Guido that only got in the way. But he knew she didn't think that any more, that he'd grown on her, that they were friends— _right?_ An alcohol-fueled anxiety started to creep up his gullet. _Why do I care_? he wondered, staring into his empty glass, and unable to shake the worry.

He looked around at his high school friends in the bar. People he loved and simultaneously strove to escape. One of them had asked him once who he was trying so hard to impress, with the law degree, with the Manhattan job. He'd thought it was a dumb question. He did that for himself, not to be something other than what it was. But now he felt an unfamiliar impulse to make sure he was in fact something different, an out-of-character need to impress. To impress one person in particular.

He realized he wanted to impress Amanda more than any one in the squad. More than Barba and Benson. _Way_ more than Barba and Benson. When did that become true, he wondered. But just thinking about her was giving him chills. Too much tequila? _Get a grip,_ he thought. But then he thought about her – the grace of a southern belle, the attitude of a New Yorker. She was kind of a ball buster, and he was surprised to find himself into it. She didn't take nonsense; which wasn't that unique in itself – every man in his family was beholden to a number of very opinionated women. But to him it was as if she walked through the world like a goddess, which he thought fitting. And yet there were vulnerabilities – deep pain in her life. She seemed to have more than her fair share of aching heartbreak, but damn, _she survived_. He had always been surrounded by strong women in his upbringing, but she was the strongest woman he knew. And that was _hot._ And then he thought of her hips, the way her ass and thighs had grown with motherhood, the way her small breasts and waist tapered down to those curves that he wanted to get lost in. The way her hair – not quite wavy, not quite straight—got so messy by the end of a long day. He wanted to be the reason her hair was messy.

Carisi was sitting at the bar, staring into space, dreaming about Amanda when Kerri came back. Again. She was all over him. Before he could protest, she hopped in his lap, begging for attention like a lonely puppy. "Oh," she giggled in a way that was meant to be seductive but was just hoarse and sloppy.

It was the impetus Carisi needed.

He stood up abruptly, sending Kerri tumbling. "I gotta go," he said as he steadied her. Placing his hands on her shoulders he gently spun her towards the main group, and sent her stumbling towards a new target for her affections. As he left the bar, he heard her voice-cracking squeal – 'Heeeey youseguysssss!"


	6. Chapter 6

"Hey."

"Hey?"

Amanda and Sonny stared at each other over the threshold of her apartment. He looked disheveled but somehow debonair, thought Amanda, with loosened tie, rolled up shirt sleeves, and cowlicks speaking.

"What are you doing here?" she asked.

"Well. You called. I, uh, is something wrong? Is Jessie okay?"

Amanda closed her eyes and pressed two fingers between her eyes. "Yeah, yeah. We're fine. I was just…bored. Was going to watch a movie. You didn't leave your party to come over here, did you?"

"No. No." Sonny quickly protested, annoyed with himself for lying.

They stood in silence.

"Well, come in."

"Okay, for a minute."

Amanda put the kettle on the burner.

They chatted inanely for a few minutes, with much more reserve than usual. An unexpected tension in the air made Amanda worry she was losing something good in her life.

Carisi set his cup down on the coffee table. The herbal tea had done next to nothing to sober him up. He sprawled, as was his manner, but this time allowing his knee to touch Amanda's knee as they sat side by side on the couch, neither volunteering to fill the silence. That tiny point of contact felt like fire.

She put her hand on his leg – "What's going on?" He turned toward her, scanning her face for a hint, any hint of what she felt. Like always, she was inscrutable. But the tequila made _him_ even more transparent than usual. He grabbed her waist and pulled her towards him on the couch. Amanda knew her face looked shocked. Sonny was leaning down, his lips almost to her neck when he froze.

 _Like a sloppy guido,_ Sonny thought.

Amanda wasn't sure what to do. She was jammed awkwardly against Sonny's leg while he was, what, just breathing on her neck?

This was really weird.

Then Sonny whispered, _"_ not like this." It sounded like he meant this only for himself to hear. Then gently, ever so slightly, he touched her hair, smoothing it along the back of her head, his fingers hovering for a split second before he pushed one lock of blonde hair behind her ear.

He was looking determined, if quite drunk. "I shouldn't have come by, I know you're not getting enough sleep as it is."

 _Was he really going to pretend like he hadn't just touched her more intimately than he ever had in the two years they'd known each other?_

Apparently so.

As he picked up his coat, he mumbled "yeah, okay. So, um, next time you should come out with my friends. They're good people if you can muscle past the strong Staten Island flavor."

 _Just like you, Carisi_ Amanda thought.


	7. Chapter 7

The next morning. Early. Ungodly early. Carisi sat silently, sucking down coffee as if his life depended on it and squinting under the flickering precinct fluorescents. He said nothing to no one – strikingly out of character to begin with- but he also never looked at Amanda once.

They'd gotten a tip from a couple of the kids who had been at the party about who the perp might have been. A senior named Antonio Russo. Dodds had left early to keep interviewing the other kids. When Benson suggested that she'd go see the Russo family, Carisi too zealously jumped in: "I'll go with you."

Amanda watched them walk out and felt a little ball of sadness nest in her gut. What had she just lost?

* * *

"Are you all right, Carisi?"

"Uh, yeah. Yeah, fine, Leu."

That had been the only conversation on the drive over. Now Benson and Carisi were getting out of the car in front of the Russo house. The sky was still almost dusky at this early hour, but Carisi had his sunglasses on. Benson, well, Olivia had been a detective for decades after all. She wasn't fooled.

As they started across the street, the door to the Russo house opened and a middle-aged man bustled his stocky frame down the front steps.

Carisi looked up just in time to see the man. He snatched at Benson's arm, physically pulling her back and rapidly turning them both around. He pulled her straight back to the car, whispering urgently, "Quick, get in."

"Carisi, what the hell?"

"Just get in the car, Lieutenant."


	8. Chapter 8

"Carisi, what the fu-" Liv cut herself off, ever the professional, but she was livid. She was _not_ used to being man-handled, and she was not happy about a subordinate pulling her to a car like a toddler pulling his mom away from something unpleasant. "Explain yourself, Carisi."

"That was Mario Russo."

"Yeah, he's the dad."

Carisi looked a little surprised. "No, that was _Mario Russo,"_ he repeated, hands gesticulating pointedly.

Liv stared blankly at him as they sat at the red light.

"As in, the right hand man of Angelo De Rossi."

Liv looked unimpressed.

"Of Mala del Brenta."

"Mala del Brenta? Like…the mob?"

Carisi sighed and put his fingers to his temple. "Yes, the mob. And not some domesticated, white-collar shit like Cosa Nostra. Nah, nah. These guys are old-world. Brutal. I bet you a million-to-one that's why the vic's family won't talk. They were told to shut the hell up. Holy shit, I'm having the worst fuckin' day."

"Okay, Carisi, slow down. The mob is more myth than anything, today, and –"

Carisi guffawed. "You didn' grow up two miles from the field where they bury the bodies, Leutinent! The mob is alive and well, and MDB is the worst of the worst."

Olivia signed and slightly shook her head. "Okay, we'll talk with the squad when we get back."

In a room full of detectives, everyone noticed that Dodds had a tell. He leaned forward, more rapt than he'd been in weeks, and pulled on his ear lobe. "We gotta take 'em out," he said. "They can't get away with this."

"I don't know, boss. I think this might be above our pay grade." Amanda was surprised to hear those words from Sonny. Fin, maybe, but not Sonny. He was always all positivity and enthusiasm.

Benson noticed that Dodds and Carisi had swapped levels of eagerness and it gave her an uneasy feeling. Nonetheless, she wanted justice, no matter who the perp was. The eye witness accounts from the other students had begun to weave a very convincing tale. She was rarely wrong when we she had this level of conviction, and in her gut Liv knew that Russo Jr. had forced Marissa into oral sex, at least. That girl was a victim and Liv owed it to her to give her the dignity of attempting a case against the victimizer. "Okay, start coming up with a plan."


	9. Chapter 9

"I think we should move on it," said Dodds determinedly. "It's a good plan."

Amanda stared at him in disbelief. As a Southerner, Amanda had spent most of her life thinking the mob was a thing of movies and fairy tales. But after the stories Finn told her from his time in the gang unit and the ones Carisi told her about growing up in Staten Island, Amanda had come to develop a healthy respect for the mob. She was incredulous that Dodds had really just suggested an undercover operation in response to a sexual assault at a teenager's party.

"We're not Major Crimes, Dodds," she said with impatience.

"But we could do just as much, maybe more, than them guys anyway. I'm just saying," he turned toward the rest of the squad, "this could be a shot to get justice, to go after some really bad dudes!" He added: "For the sake of the vic, of course."

"Why are you so eager all of a sudden?" asked Amanda.

Benson, herself perplexed by Dodd's eagerness, had been looking at Dodds through narrowed eyes as she stood by a bookshelf, contemplating her squad in the wee hours of the night in a deserted precint. Then it dawned on her. Dodds' father wanted him to be in organized crime. He had been pushing it for months. Dodds had dropped hints about the pressure he was under, and the reason for his willingness to take such a risk became lucid. There was no way that Liv could agree to this.

Still— it was an opportunity they'd never get again. Sonny had told her stories too, about the lifestyle of the MDB, the way they treated women, the unending leniency from the law they enjoyed and the scarcity of mercy they doled out. This _was_ an opportunity, not for glory but for justice. An opportunity to say that no matter how rich, how privileged, how connected or how famous a perpetrator might be, justice is coming. Maybe there was no way that Liv could not agree to that.

"Okay, but you're not doing it, Dodds." She didn't trust his judgment right now. "Carisi, are you willing?"

* * *

Sonny looked the part all right. White undershirt, plaid flannel, jeans that were a few years out of style, workboots and a gold chain. Only the glasses looked slightly out of place; the frames were thick enough to hide the camera and transmitter and they made him look just a little too hip.

"You sure you want to do this?" Benson wanted to check one last time.

"Yeah, yeah. I got this. These are, uh, these are my people, Leu." Carisi shook out his shoulders while he talked without ever stopping his hand gestures. He was right. He would fit in.

* * *

"Oh my gosh, Amanda, it's so good to hear your voice."

The squad hadn't seen Carisi for two months except the occaisional image from surveillance. They were so far off track from baby Russo and the sex crime now that it wasn't funny. 1PP had been about to pull the plug until they learned that Carisi had been able to charm his way into the MDB's inner circle. Turns out that Russo senior was just the start.

"Yeah we, um, miss you around here, Carisi." It was a lie. Or at least not entirely what she meant . She meant that _she_ missed him. In Sonny's absence, Amanda had been forced to confront some of the lies she had been telling herself. It turned out that Sonny filled up a lot of her life, and she was compelled to admit that since he'd been gone. "I miss you," she said quietly.

There was a pause.

"I miss you too."

She could hear the exhaustion in his voice.

"It's credit card scams and coke running every day. This isn't what I got into SVU for, ya know. And I'm so tired of these screwball wackjob fruit loop troopers, ya know?"

Amanda ached for Sonny but she couldn't help but smile, amused at the realization of just hard Sonny must have worked to keep his natural 'Staten Island flavor' under control when he moved to Manhattan. Now it was running wild.

"I know, Sonny. Just hang in a little while longer. Hopefully the sting with De Rossi will go according to plan, and it will all be over in a few days."


	10. Chapter 10

"Okay, who wants pignoli?" Carisi burst into the room in his normal animated style. "C'mon my man Falzone, you're too fucking Sicilian to say no to a pignolo." The chill of the room didn't catch Carisi's attention until he was shoving the white paper bag with grease spots towards Falzone. Carisi froze, looked around the room. It was Russo, Venuti, Porcelli, Falzone, and De Rossi in the room. Falzone and Porcelli were the only low level guys, and they were standing closest to the door as if waiting for their next instructions – not ready to so much as take a piss without a direct order. Venuti and Giovinco were drinking scotch and pouring over a ledger in the corner, and De Rossi sat in the middle of the room on a puke ugly couch, the little fat lord of any hellhole he happened to be in.

"Zanatta. Good, you're here. I have some work for you," crooned De Rossi. Carisi hated the way he talked like he thought he was a fucking Gambino instead of the medial scumbag he was.

"Yeah, sure boss." He pushed the bag of pignoli into Falzone's chest. "What'cha got for me?"

De Rossi turned to look at Carisi for the first time since he walked in the room. He closed his eyes—a barely imperceptible movment since his eyelids were already so hooded- and nodded to the far corner of the room.

That's when Dominick saw her. A child, maybe eleven with just the beginning of breast buds hidden under a t-shirt with rhinestones. She was sobbing in utter silence, like a broken radio. Tears falling down doe brown skin; Carisis' stomach dropped. This was different. The MDB didn't use girls for anything. Was this someone's daughter, neice? What the hell was going on?

Dominick didn't miss a beat, he popped out one knee and threw his hands up "Who the hell is that?"

Russo chimed in –" _That_ is our new business venture. _Colombios_ wanna recycle their mules. Reduce, reuse, or whatevah." Someone chuckled. "And _chica_ here can get a pretty price."

"She's a little kid." Dominick thought that should be protest enough, but he added "What the fuck does anyone want with a weepy little twig like that?"

"Sonny, Sonny," De Rossi clucked. "Still so naïve. There are a lot of perverts in this world. So. This is what you're going to do for me. You're going to do…her."

Carisi couldn't help himself. He laughed. "Yeah, yeah, boss. But really what do you want?"

How can one person's mood seem to change the air pressure in a room? "What I want," said De Rossi with little but the corners of his mouth moving, "is for my people to do what I tell them to do" and now he lifted one fat finger, "because I tell them to do it." There was danger in his voice. "I want her broken in. I want you to do it."

Out in the video van, Liv, Dodds, and Rollins were without audio, but they were as surprised and nervous as Carisi to see that little girl and now they all sensed something was about to happne. "What's going on?" Amanda asked nervously. Dodds and Benson simultaneously shushed her.

Russo was trying to explain as if pimping children were a normal lecture topic in any economics class. "Later we'll sell them as virgins. Really make some bank. But startin' on the ground floor, we need…uh… predictability."

Inside, Carisi hesitated. _Okay, okay this shit is getting real. Busting the MDB sex trafficking ring is gunna mean busting a child trafficking ring. Okay._ He made the mental switch and was ready to dive in. He'd take the bait and make a show of it.

"Yeah, okay." Carisi walked over and grabbed the girls tiny arm, hualing her onto shaky toothpick legs. She was sobbing audibly now. He'd take her to a back room, make some theatrical noises and bring her out in a few minutes, no one the wiser. Then he'd figure out how to get her out of there.

"No, no," De Rossi almost sung the words. "Here."

"Huh?" Carisi was stunned but tried to laugh it off. "Boss you might as well put Venuti in a skirt and tell me to get it up." Venuti was one hairy, sweaty bastard. "You'se guys aint exactly the best fluffers." A few chuckles from around the room. But not from De Rossi.

Russo the Mouthpiece spoke: "Like I said, predictability. This is a learnin' opportunity, Zanatta. For all of us. And you can't expect Falzone and Belotti to do this shit. They're married."

 _What the hell kinda fucked up moral reasoning is that supposed to be,_ thought Carisi.

"Boss, I can't do a little kid, especially not in front of these assholes."

"Hmm." De Rossi said nothing else before slowly, horribly, dragging himself vertical. "So." He paused. "You're sayin' you weren't really goin' to fuck her when you said you would just a minute ago here? Are you sayin' you were lyin' to me Zanatta?"

Nobody moved.

" Zanatta, I like you. You're, uh, ya know, almost charming. You're definitely smart. And you know how to think on your feet. These are good things to have in a man." He nodded and jutted out his bottom lip, like he were just thinking aloud, like this wasn't a carefully crafted and premeditated threat. "Yeah, good things to have in a man as we start this new, uh, venture. But what I really wanna know, Zanatta - _are you loyal_?"

 _Never words you want to hear from a gangster's mouth_ , Carisi thought.

"Of course I'm loyal, Boss. But I ain't a perv. And my dick ain't a machine, ya know? What can I do?" He was trying to smile, to be 'almost charmng'.

De Rossi stopped pacing and looked at Carisi. "Maybe you don't know what loyal means. What's the expression…" he mock-snapped is porky fingers, "uh, I say jump, you say—" "

"—how high?" Russo chimed in on cue. De Rossi nodded and motioned Belotti towards Carisi.

" _Di preciso_. When you work for me, Zanatta, you do what I tell you to do. Is that clear _?_ "

That was Belotti's que and he punched Carisi in the gut. Hard.

Amanda gasped. Liv and Dodds started. But they knew they had to wait it out a bit. Maybe this was an initiation?

De Rossi continued. "You don't question." Another gut punch from Belotti. "You don't hesitate." Belotti again. Carisi let out a groan and his knees buckled, but Falzone grabbed his arms from behind and held him up. Carisi could see the pignoli crumbs still on Falzone's fingers.

"Because if you'se loyal, I own you." Again. "All of you." Again. "Even ya dick." Belotti punched him in the groin, and Carisi let out a shrill yelp. "And what I own," now De Rossi was in his face, "nevah, _nevah…_ "

De Rossi stopped short. Carisi looked at De Rossi, so close to his face he could smell the cigarette-tainted breath. The man appeared to have no muscles in his body, a cariacature, shaped like lard, and so the expression of his face never really changed, nothing moved. But there was something different, a cold foul current seeping out from behind those sagging, puffy eyelids.

"Tell me Zanatta. Why do you need contacts _and_ glasses, I wondah."

 _Shit._

The MDB had scared Carisi before. But this was the first time he really felt terror. A sour cold sweat began to prickle his skin. De Rossi leaned forward and looked at Carisi's face, and he could see the outline of contacts. De Rossi cocked his head and looked at Carisi's glasses. Thick. He hadn't thought about it before. " _Figlio di puttana."_ He stepped to Carisi's side and Carisi instinctively turned his head. De Rossi grabbed Carisi's jaw so hard Carisi thought he might have broken a tooth and wipped Carisi's head forward. In the same instant, he had grabbed Carisi's gun.

"Don' look at me."

De Rossi was smart.

 _"_ Sonny." He sounded disappointed, like a devil just disenchanted with his prey. "What have you done?" Everyone in the room was still, even the borderline moronic Falzone seemed to grasp that something was very wrong. Russo had finally shut up. De Rossi leaned and whispered venom in Carisi's ear: "Who do you work for?"

"I work for you, Boss."

In the van, all that the squad saw on the monitor was a disembodied arm flash across the bottom of the screen and then what looked like vomit pouring down onto Carisi's shoes.

How could a shapeless man hit that hard? Carisi was choking on vomit, unable to catch a breathl

"You a cop, Zannatta?"

"No," Carisi wheezed.

"Do not _lie_ to me, son."

De Rossi pushed Carisi to his knees. "You police?"

Kneeling in his own vomit, Carisi was racking his mind to figure out a plausible explanation. It was obvious that De Rossi knew the glasses were a camera. Claiming he worked for another gang would only get him killed faster. And what other explanation was there for wearing a camera on your face? His head was spinning. Defeated, Dominick closed his eyes and gave a barely perceptible nod.

"I see. Do they know where we are?"

Again Carisi gave the smallest nod. Porcelli and Giovinco were already grabbing papers frantically. Venuti ran to a back room to grab ammo and cash.

"Zannatta, I'm disappointed. Like I said, I liked you." De Rossi covered the glasses with his fat palm, leaving the squad with a dark meaningless monitor. Meanwhile De Rossi he moved the glasses to his own face, only uncovering the lenses again once he'd looked away from Carisi. Smart. Now Liv, Dodds, and Rollins were looking at De Rossi's point of view without knowing the difference. "Okay, Venuti – bring up the escalade from behind. Falzone – kill this piece of shit when we leave. And the girl. She's not worth the risk right now. We'll let the cops follow us until you're done. Rest of you's, back exit. Carry what you can."


	11. Chapter 11

"They're on the move," Dodds observed.

Benson radioed Finn –" Did you see anyone leave the building?"

"No, nothing here."

"They're getting in a car."

"What?" Finn radio backed.

Liv radioed in the other unis waiting in cars. Nothing. They were gone. "We didn't see anyone leave."

"Well they _did_! Figure out where they are!" Liv was yelling. "It looks like the inside of an SVU. They're driving past a bodega. Find them!"

"Do you want backup to follow silently or hot? Maybe we should just let this play out Leu? We don't know his cover's blown " asked Dodds.

"I, uh, let me think. A hot chase right now will definitely blow our cover and isn't going to keep Carisi any safer. Let's stick with the unmarked vehicles for now. Have them keep their distance." She picked up the walkie again. "Where are they?"

"Working on it Liv," Finn sounded on edge.

Amanda sat silently, unnaturally still in the midst of a hurricane. When she finally spoke, the level of fear in her voice cut through the air, and even though she was barely speaking above a whisper, everyone heard her.

"Something's not right, Liv. Carisi doesn't walk like that."

"What are you talking about?"

"The video, when they were walking – Sonny doesn't walk like that. His gait is different. He lopes. That was a plod." Amanda knew she sounded crazy, but it was something about the way the picture on the monitor had bounced with each step. It was off.

"Amanda," Liv started to say with something in a tone between pity and annoyance but then Amanda's eyes turned to saucers and she pointed to the monitor. Everyone, even the the techs crammed in the corner of the van, stopped moving, stopped breathing. A hand was reaching out to adjust the A/C vent on the dashboard. The fingers were fat and hairy. _Not_ Carisi's.

"They made him." Liv looked scared. "Let's go."

Suddenly Dodds was calling for uniformed backup and SWAT. They were leaping out of the van, a locust swarm descending on the townhouse without need to communicate about their target. Training had become instinct, and words were superfluous. Finn and Oliver were already around the back. Dodds, Benson, Rollins, plus two unis were covering the front.

"Police, come out with your hands up!"

* * *

Inside, Carisi was disoriented. He watched most of the men book it down to the basement, he wasn't sure why. Only Falzone stayed, holding an automatic rifle. Looking a little betrayed, almost hurt. "Sonny," he shook his head. "I trusted you, man."

But the moment of near tenderness passed. "Get up bitch!" He motioned at the girl with his hand gun. The child was hysterical now. "Up against the wall."

Carisi struggled to stand up, broken ribs and a searing pain in his gut. "Don't do this Falzone. Leave her alone. Just leave, they'll never know. Killing a child and a cop is not going to end well for you, man."

"Ha, you're too confident, Zandatta. The MDB is bigger than any of us. Get against the wall."

Carisi stumbled, trying to walk, almost crawling. He got in front of the girl, who was hysterical, screaming in Spanish and what sounded like some indigenous tongue. Carisi moved his body to cover her as Falzone walked towards them, slowly yet impatient. Soon the girl's back was aginst an internal wall and Carisi's back was to her face.

"C'mon Fal, she's just a child, man." Sonny was scared. "Don't do this, man."

* * *

It sounded like dynamite. An explosion of wind splinters.

Dodds had kicked in the door, Liv pushing in first, gun trained on Falzone who had his gun pointed at Carisi, who was sandwiched against the girl, sandwiched against the wall.

Then it all happened so fast.

Falzone was startled. He spun towards the door, dropping his arm as he turned. His finger must have twitched.

 _Clack clack._

This explosion seemed somehow quieter, dampened. Both soundless and deafening, like the air didn't have enough room to hold all that has happening. Falzone's two bullets went into Carisi's gut, propelling Carisi's body backwards. Amanda, just entering the room, saw Carisi fly backward and she let out a soul-pulling scream. Finn and Oliver pounded through the back door. Liv fired one shot though Falzone's forehead without a second thought.


	12. Chapter 12

Carisi looked confused. Air and blood bubbled past his lips, dripping down his chin. He looked down at his belly and felt a soft, liquid warmness surrounding a scorching agony. He was falling, crushing something odd and squirming beneath him. He slid down the wall into a nest of angles, screaming, and tears.

Amanda sprinted to him, grabbing his elbows and lowering him to the floor as Finn extracted the little girl from behind him. "Are you okay? Are you hurt? ¿Estás bien?" The girl looked horrified, her face and shirt splattered with blood, but she didn't seem to have been hurt. Finn saw two bullet holes in the wall – they wouldn't have gone through both of them even at that close range – and an outline of the girl's shoulder painted in red. Miraculously, only Carisi was hit.

 _Carisi was hit_. Amanda felt like she was swimming through ether. She slowed Carisi's fall, lowering him to the ground. There was so much blood. An instant, and Amanda was covered. She looked at Sonny's belly, a mass of mangled crimson, and tried to apply pressure but didn't know where to start. Sonny never took his eyes off her face. Liv was screaming for a bus, the uni's scrambling, while Oliver, Dodds, Finn, and the lost girl stood speechless.

"Amanda?" There was rugged fear there.

"Sonny, it's okay darlin'. It's okay. You're going to be all right." Already Carisi's breath was changing, there was a shaking wheezing in each shallow breath. So this is what they mean by death rattle, the small part of Amanda's brain that was still functioning thought.

"My family…"

"Shh, Sonny, you're going to be fine, 'kay baby? Just look at me. Breath with me okay? In, out, in, out." She had coached herself through much of her own birth until complications had lead to a c-section; now, she was ready to coach Carisi back from the edge of life. "Just breath with me, Sonny, just breath with me. Okay, stay with me, stay with me." They never took their eyes off each other until the paramedics arrived, practically picking up a shellshocked, bloodsoaked Rollins and setting her aside to get Carisi onto a gurney.


	13. Chapter 13

Carisi was feeling oddly cerebral as the end of his life unfolded. At some point, the pain receded, and he noted an intriguing sense of weightlessness. Temperature seemed to cease to exist and the crowd around him grew bright and soft. Someone was puffing air into his lungs in a way that irritated him, like blowing up balloons for no particular purpose, and he registered a sense of vexation with whatever it was that was pounding on his chest. But the haziness was lovely, he thought, and he drifted towards it until there was simply nothing more.


	14. Chapter 14

In the hospital waiting room, the nurses drew a blanket around Amanda's shoulders, mostly to cover up the cheap-horror-film look of her blouse. Liv must have driven 80 mph to get here behind the ambulance, but Amanda hadn't noticed. Time and space had gotten sloshy, undulating irregularly in the most disorienting way.

An hour, a minute, a year later – who could know—a mob of energy erupted into the emergency department waiting room. Carisis _en masse._ Amanda looked up and saw a woman who was unmistakably Sonny's mother: tall, thin, classically grey and beautiful.

"Oh, Amanda," Mrs. Carisi rushed towards Amanda and grabbed her into a bear hug, quickly piled onto by Sonny's sisters. And that's when Amanda lost it. Her panic-turned-stupor erupted into unmanageable grief. How did they even know who she was? She'd only met Bella, at the precinct and at Carisi's apartment for dinner a couple of times. Everyone else was a stranger, and yet Amanda was weeping against Mrs. Carisi's chest, pouring out deep, shuddering sobs as if she were Amanda's own mother.


	15. Chapter 15

Mrs. Carisi and her daughters had stepped out for coffee, leaving Amanda and Sonny in his hospital room alone. Amanda, deep into that borderland between grief, shock and exhaustion, sat stone cold still on the edge of her seat. It had been two days of uncertainty, of "touch and go," as the nurses politely put it. The doctors called it "a medically-induced coma" – a term that made Amanda shutter—and avoided any more questions. At least Carisi was off the ventilator, breathing on his own but unconcious.

Amanda stared at him, without really seeing. Until he stirred.

For minutes, Carisi blinked and looked around the room, confused. Amanda starred back, unsure if she could trust her eyes, unsure that she was really seeing him alive and awake.

"'Manda?"

"Sonny? Sonny! Oh my goodness!" And she couldn't help it. She wrapped her arms around his neck.


	16. Chapter 16

It had been days since Carisi had gotten officially "out of the woods," as his sister Gina put it. Now Sonny Carisi was sitting up in his hospital bed, intently devouring a pudding cup with his sisters sitting crisscrossed across the bed.

"Slow down, Sonny," scolded Bella.

"I'm starving, Bella," whined Sonny in reply.

"You are not. And this is your fifth pudding cup today. That's gross, Sonny. Besides, you're leaving today and we can get you a real meal at home."

"He can't have solid foods for two weeks," reminded Gina.

"Uhhhh," Sonny threw his head back dramatically onto his pillow. "I'm going to die."

"Don't!" It came from the doorway. Amanda stood there with a cup holder full of coffees for the Carisi women. "Don't say that, Carisi. Please." She looked sheepish. Her outburst had come from some place deep in her chest and she felt a rush of embarrassment mixed with a ghost of the memory of the soul-crushing terror of the past few days. "Don't even joke."

Everyone was silent in the wake of Amanda's genuine show of emotion, each having little shudders of their own whirlwind of fears that had haunted them and nearly won.

"Let's leave these two alone for a few minutes and go to the gift shop," suggested Teresa. Although it was less a suggestion and more of an order.

When they were alone, Carisi patted the bed next to him, motioning for Amanda to sit with him. He didn't think about it being inappropriate until he was doing it. But every thought of manners escaped him when Amanda, to his surprise, actually hopped on the bed, sitting almost hip to hip with him.

"We've been in the hospital with each other too many times, huh?" said Amanda.

"Ha" Sonny started to laugh and ended with a wince, which struck him as funny. He had to work hard not to laugh again. Amanda smiled.

"You're not very good at being sick," she offered. "And that's a disgusting amount of pudding, Carisi."

"Sonny."

"What?"

"You were calling me Sonny. I liked it."

Amanda looked slightly surprised. "Okay. Sonny… Sonny, that's a disgusting amount of pudding."

Another wince-laugh.

"Amanda."

"Yeah?"

"You are so beautiful."

Amanda looked very surprised.

"Why do you say that?"

"Because it's true. Because, I don't know, I want to say something cliché about realizing life is short or some sappy shit, but I…" He trailed off. "I don't know what to say exactly."

"Well that's a first."

"Maybe," he said as he stared at her eyes, her nose, her mouth. And then, ever so slowly, savoringly, Sonny Carisi reached down to cup Amanda's chin with his long finers. Amanda was sure she saw him wince a bit as he did, but he seemed intent on nothing but her.

"Amanda…"

"Yes, Carisi? Sonny." She corrected herself.

But Sonny didn't answer. He just pulled her towards him, bending his head down towards her. And ever so gently he brushed his lips against hers, resting in the feel and the taste that he had wondered about for two years.

Amanda's whole body relaxed. Any nagging doubts about what was sure to be a complicated relationship slipped away into the ether. The only reality was Sonny, alive, warm, and touching her in a way she didn't know she needed.


End file.
